Farm Animals Are Funny

The other day I was sitting with one of my beasties and I mentioned that I hadn’t written anything this week and I was feeling uninspired… she said ” Jo, write about something that’s important and means something to you”  So here you go…..

I was watching Barnyard the other night and I was so extremely confused I had to reach out to my FB friends for guidance.
Little did I know that this was going to be quite a learning experience!

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This is Otis, he is the leading man… ugh… cow…

As you can see, Otis has utters and this was the cause of my confusion!!

I thought only girl cows had utters and so I posted the question on FB and this is what  I learned from the responses of my super smart friends!

First, I learned that a “boy” cow is a bull..and no they DO NOT have utters!

a castrated (OUCH) “boy” cow becomes a steer…

BUT..I thought that steers were the “boy” cows with long horns =/

but… it seems that any “boy” cow can be a steer if he’s castrated!  OUCH!

here’s where it gets even more confusing… apparently girl cows have horns too!!! but…. they get polled.. ( i don’t even wanna know…because now all I can think..is really??? cow porn!!! GAWD.. my friends are SICK!)

OH YEAH… and not all “boy” cows have horns!

so, here’s a breakdown according to my friend Patty Sue:

“any boy cow without balls is a steer, if he has balls, he’s a bull.  It doesn’t matter if he has horns or not AND…both boy and girl cows can have horns but the get polled.” (still not quite sure what all the polling entails…)

so with all this confusing cow learning (i kinda feel like an expert now)  my favorite answer was from

Jami ” I think it’s just better than putting a weener on there!”

I’m pretty sure… I will never watch cartoons again.

Kitten

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My week in Shoes!

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My week in Shoes. …10 pair in 6 days!
Everyday,  I kick em off as soon as I walk in the door, it drives the Donkey nuts! Hee..hee…I wore a pair of uggs and flip flops in the same week. . Because it’s frickin South Texas… Aye. .. Aye. .Aye!

Kitten

Bath Time is a Fun Time?????

DISCLAIMER::: FOR THE RECORD…. MY BLOG IS ON A TIMER! I AM NOT WRITING THIS AT WORK…. just sayin…

wpid-20140129_082543.jpgTHE CULPRIT!

sooooo… this morning… (actually it was the day before yesterday morning) I jump in the shower and realize… I’m out of body wash! GRRRR… it’s 35 degrees .. and I don’t want to leave the warm water… but i do… I jump out, wrap myself in a towel and run down the hall to Donkey’s bathroom and and steal her bodywash…heee…heee… I jump back in the shower .. and start to wash…next thing I know… there’s a frosty cool sensation in my nether regions!!!! KINDA LIKE WASHING WITH A YORK PEPPERMINT PATTY!!! WHAT THE HELL!!
I rinse as fast as I can… OH.. I’m wide AWAKE NOW! I’ve been booby trapped!!!((( (who in the hell likes this stuff??)))) I think to myself…is this her way of keeping me from stealing her body wash??? UHHH RUDE MUCH! I finish my shower ..put the body wash back in her bathroom..like I never took it… but you bet your sweet ass I’m plotting… I’m thinking …itching powder or super glue…hmmmmm… maybe something with that ink that turns your lips blue for like a week!!  I’m taking suggestions…. anyone???anyone???

OH…. I FELT THE SENSATION ALRIGHT!!!!

Kitten

A BEASTIE…LIKE A BESTIE…BUT BETTER!

I want to talk about my friends…who I usually refer to as my ‘beasties’……… I always thought I was a little freaky… but it turns out… I’m ALOT freaky… and so are my beasties!
Like for example… who gets a phone call that goes like this..
Friend: Hey are you home?
Me; Yeah.. what’s up?
Friend: I’m coming over.. I got something for you..
Me: Yay! a surprise!!
Friend shows up half an hour later…. with my “surprise”
and why YES….. IT’S A MACHETE!!!
because somehow she thinks that by buying me a machete..I’ll be able to fend for myself during the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!! yeah right friendo! ain’t gonna happen! I will be hiding behind you every chance I get!

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Then there’s the time I kidnapped the old guy at the local watering hole my friends and I like to frequent… yeah… honestly… it was an accident!  We were there sometime in October for a Roller Derby after party… and as I was walking out… I grabbed him..I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!! I hit the backdoor.. handed him over to Hitman..(he’s not really a “HITMAN”!) who threw him in the back of his truck and delivered him to my house… yeah.. I bet your thinking… WTH?? right??  The next day… . I was told by friend who gave me the machete.. that I had done a very bad thing.. and that I should probably return the old man…. so I call the craziest beastie I have, she shows up in her tiny little beamer convertible.. but she doesn’t reeeaally know what she’s in for… So.. after I took pictures and sent them with a ransom note to the owner of said establishment and all the bartenders. we load the old man in the beamer convertible (with the top down) and head over to return the bound a gagged old dude to the Pub….
You think I’m making this up… don’t you???

yeah.... you can't make shit like this up!  just sayin...

yeah…. you can’t make shit like this up! just sayin…

I LOVE THEM!!! I love them because…when I say the “theme” for this weekend is incognito….they don’t think it’s weird… they wear their mustaches proudly…and traipse all over South Padre….super gluing mustaches on random peoples faces… TRUE STORY…

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too many crazy adventures to tell in one blog post….and some cannot ever be spoken of again…I am grateful… grateful for my wonderful, BATSHIT crazy friends…My Beasties ❤

Kitten

If I was a Wesen…..

Well… if you don’t watch Grimm you won’t really know what a Wesen is… but no matter.. here’s the Wiki link in case you want to expand your mind…LOL          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creatures_of_Grimm

If I was a Wesen I’d be a Unicorn… and I’d be pink… and i’d prance… NOT GALLOP… and every time I shook my head,  sparkles would fly all around me… I’d eat tiny little rainbows for breakfast..and I’d sleep on a cotton candy cloud..and music would follow me everywhere I went…. and my super power would be to travel wherever I wanted in the blink of an eye to bring joy to everyone in the world!…

BUT….I’M NOT A WESEN… I’m just an ill-mannered, Lonestar drinking, bad knee limping, broke ass, histrionic, DRAMA QUEEN… with a Unicorn mask I got for my birthday last year!

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Kitten

There’s a person in my petticoat???

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I was laughing so hard… trying to explain that there was a ‘purse in there!” as I lifted up the front of my dress and pointed under it!

The guy in the parking lot looking over at us wondering how there was a “person in there” and my Beastie looking at him like HE’S THE ONE THAT’S NUTS… because… duh… why would there be a person in there =/…. because .. there wasn’t!  Buuuut…. there was a purse in there!

So… it all started a few days ago when I get a text message asking if I want to go to the local theater to check out the Best Little Whorehouse In Texas… ( a friend of ours is acting in it so… of course I want to show my support!)  I was extremely excited to “dress up” for the event!  So, I went all out… gingham print dress, cowboy boots, cowboy hat and a ginormous petticoat!  It is the best little whorehouse after all!  I appeared to be in costume, and when I walk into the theater..(apparently, I’m the only person in attendance who thinks that dressing up in the ‘theme” of the play is a good idea..UGH). people are staring… I think… they think.. I’M ONE OF THE WHORES!!! Oh well… the attention doesn’t bother me… I have been known to be a little over the top ;)………..So.. we go straight to the bar ( of course) and then go in.. find FABULOUS seats …3 rows up.. right in the center!  YAY!  I’m trying to get to my seat bumping everyone in the row below us with my amazing petticoat.. and finally have a seat.. all comfy with my lovely beasties.  The Show was AMAZING!! the actors did a wonderful job.. and when it was all said and done we make our way to the lobby to congratulate the cast.  I talk to several of the actors and as I finally spot our friend I feel something bumping around in between my legs!!! YES… I said SOMETHING BUMPING AROUND BETWEEN MY LEGS!! So… of course my first thought was….WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT???  so I stopped for a minute… took another couple of steps and felt it again!  something was bumping around…between my legs.. and by bumping around.. I mean, hitting the inside of one thigh and then hitting the inside of the other… I KNOW… what the hell right!!  I stop right where I am and start lifting up my skirt..and pulling up my petticoat… and what do i find dangling from my petticoat?? Someone’s purse! Someone’s purse dangling from my petticoat between my legs!!!REALLLY…the best part…(besides all the people in the lobby staring at me wondering why I was lifting my skirt in front of everyone) is my reaction and everyone’s faces when I pulled that purse out from under my dress!!!  apparently my petticoat snagged it as I walked by… I just don’t get how the purse owner didn’t notice =/  but she did look for it later, purse and owner were reunited… and the petticoat bandit was long gone!!

I can’t help but wonder… does crazy shit happen to anyone else??? I mean… when I go to work on Mondays and ask my co-workers ..”so , how was your weekend?? anything exciting happen?”  no one EVER says… oh yeah… I found someones purse in my petticoat while I was at the Whorehouse……

Kitten

Happy Hippos

hippo butts hippo butts2 hippo butts3

This post isnt really about happy hippos… hippos are pretty vicious actually… but I really like hippo butts they make me happy.

HIPPO BUTTS… DRIVE ME NUTS!!!

I wrote this yesterday..as I sat in the waiting room of a local therapist office.  I sat there reading all the inspirational quotes on the wall… I think to myself ( because.. who else woukd I think it to =/) are these inspirational quotes supposed to make people feel better before they see the therapist????

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

“Happy is the one who learns to bear what he cannot change”

Signs… telling me to “Dream” , “Hope” and have “Faith”….
And of course… theres the serenity prayer… telling me to “accept the things I cannot change”…….
Why are these quotes on the wall???
Sooooo…I shouldn’t encourage change? Accept change??? MAKE CHANGE???  I should just “bear”it?? Doesn’t that eventually make ppl feel more hopeless…
I mean… if I would of just learned to “bear” my situation, many years ago….. I’d probably be dead……just sayin….
I don’t understand what makes different people sad/depressed…. but I do know that I’ve been both!
And what you ask… Made me feel better???? Changing my situation… That’s what!  Was it easy??? HELL NO! But I did it…
I understand the counseling process…. I provide peer counseling to my clients at work… And I think every person on this planet would Benefit by having an impartial person to help them process….. but these signs are making me depressed…I don’t like them!
Change… We should always be changing….. evolving…. So again as I sit here in the waiting room of the therapist office…I want to stand up and tear down these signs!!! Just rip them off the walls!! And I want to take the sharpie out of my purse and write on these walls…

I WANT TO WRITE…….

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time, WE are the change that we seek” -Obama

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself” – Andy Warhol

I want to write……in big giant letters…… YOU ARE IN CHARGE!!!!!

But I don’t …. Because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m crazy 😉

Kitten

broken glass

Well…I’m not actually going to write about broken glass… but I will be writing about the random crap that’s floating around in my head.

In my younger days I released all my extra energy with drinking and debauchery…. but now it takes too long to recover (days in bed…gallons of water and bottles of tylenol) so I’ve been trying to find my niche… been working on my art…. volunteering and writing in my journal… a friend suggested that I try blogging, problem is.. I’m not a very good writer!  I write the way I talk…so you’ll see a ton of periods (which usually means I”m pausing… to collect my thoughts…or thinking…hmmmm…how could I put this without sounding so Damn  MILITANT!)  To me… my idea of punctuation includes only period and exclamation points!  That’s it …I don’t need anything else! Anyway, that all seems pretty ironic considering that my my bestest friends are grammar nazi’s !  Sorry y’all! ( you know who you are)

I will be posting a little something I wrote while witing in a therapist waiting room this morning… but that’s coming  little later today…..maybe!  

I’m looking forward to this journey I’m about to take in the world of blogging…and I hope I don’t scare you  guys away with my grammar and punctuation. OR with the madness that resides in my head 😉

Kitten